Quite a while ago I wrote a blog post on what no-one tells you about having a baby boy… turns out I knew NOTHING. There is so much more. Boys are freakin’ weird. So here is the updated version, seeing as Knox is now almost 2-and-a-half years old and I have so much to add now that he has passed the 1-year mark! You should probably go read the old list first for this to make (more) sense…
1. They now get little toddler erections, and they are not always that little. Also, they are damn uncomfortable and can sometimes even hurt a little – or so I am told. Knox frequently gets these and then points at it telling me that it hurts, “toddler erection painful” is not something I ever thought I would have to Google. This definitely did not come in the little boys manual. Turns out it is still normal, and at this age (sometimes a bit later) new surges of testosterone are presenting themselves. Apparently it’s not so much painful for them, but more ‘uncomfortable’. Also, because the penis (OMG I cannot type that without giggling) is growing bigger than normal, it might also mean that the foreskin, which is actually still fused to the glans (tip), is starting to separate a little. Holy shit… Gross. I am so sorry.
2. They still wee in your face. Shocker. Also, now that they are older, it hits you so much harder… and there is so much more of it! Sometimes, they even manage to wee in their own faces! And, sometimes when the mood strikes, they even manage to wee in their sister’s hair and a mass hysteria will break out! (Way too many exclamation marks here, but I cannot stress this enough).
3. The Peepee Teepees are now rendered absolutely useless, and can only be used as finger puppets or tiny hats for the cats. The cats’ love it, obviously. Who doesn’t want a miniature wizard hat?
4. We have managed to avoid the E.R since the incident, but boys still get hurt all the damn time. Seriously, Knox falls on or bumps his head at least five times a day. I am a little worried… but then again, he is only two and he can count to ten. So maybe it helps stimulate his brain or something? He takes the scariest tumbles sometimes and gets up like nothing happened… I am going to have a heart attack before I reach 30.
5. Shopping for clothes is still pretty much a nightmare. Now that they are older, it is easier to find some rad boys’ clothes… but be ready to pay out of your bum for it! My son has such an odd body shape and it makes shopping even harder – he has the tiniest waist, longest body and super broad shoulders. Pants that are long enough are too big at the waist, and the ones that fit at the waist are too short! Is my child weird, or is toddler clothing sizes weird?
6. They still play with their boy parts a lot, only, now they scream “WINKIE!!!!” while doing it.
7. I am still not convinced that he cannot break it. Not even my elastic hair bands can stretch as far as he pulls that thing. Boy parts are so freakin’ weird. They make no sense!
8. When they start climbing, they reach things they shouldn’t and they start JUMPING. Knox has destroyed all my fancy make-up. Guys… it hurts, it hurts so bad. He also keeps climbing onto the kitchen counters to eat the sugar and “swim” in the basin. I have had to hide all our knives and scissors, and the chairs, and wire the drawers (steps) shut, and and and… it is exhausting.
9. They still have amazing eyelashes, and when they flutter them at you it is impossible to stay angry. They know it is our weakness, stay strong! Don’t look!
10. They get even more gross than you could ever imagine. I thought I had experienced the worst… HAH. How naive I was. If you read my Potty Training post (where you can also win an amazing baby Throne to the value of R999), you will know that my son went through a phase where he liked to beshizzle our house. Beshizzle is a lovely little term I came up with to describe my son’s love for decorating our walls, chairs, tables, curtains, couches, floors, etc. in lovely shades of khaki and brown. That is a nice way of saying that he likes to smear everything in shit. He then acts like he was possessed during that time and have no recollection of doing this and cries because his hands are dirty. Like that’s your biggest problem… He also eats dog and cat food like they are freakin’ Smarties.
11. I though he was messy back then, little did I know what his love for Lego would have in store for me. Also, how the hell do they stay so dirty all the time?
12. There’s always finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours. They especially love doing this while you are sleeping. And if they stick their fingers up your nose and get some snollies, they totally freak out because “WTF mom, why is that in there?” What did you expect to find?
13. “How to wash a toddlers’ penis” – another few words I never thought I would have to Google. I was freaking out because I was not sure if I was bathing him right, and how am I supposed to know this crap? I can’t talk to my husband about this, he is such a know-it-all – like he is the king of penises or something. Having one does not make you an expert. Just to offer some kind of helpfulness here, the best way to clean a toddler’s penis with its foreskin intact is just like washing the rest of the body – warm, lightly soapy water and a soft cloth. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, pull back the foreskin to get underneath. As I mentioned, the foreskin is still attached to the glans, so forcing it back can cause serious damage and result in long-term scarring. As the boy grows, it is recommended to only ever let him pull the foreskin back himself. He’ll know what’s painful and what’s not, so will stop if there are any issues. If you’re ever worried, ask your doctor. Probably best not to rely on the internet too much for this kind of thing.
14. Sometimes they will wear dresses and want to put on make-up, and that’s okay! There is a whole blog post on this, so go read that for context.
15. They will fight to the death with their siblings. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but geez it gets bad! And in an instant they will turn around and be so fiercely protective over them that you wonder if your child might have a split personality.
All this is quite crazy, but like I have said before… there is just such a special connection between a mother and her boy. When they are being all rough and tough with their dirty little feet… and they run up to you and throw their arms around you and you find yourself in a massive, dirty bear hug, and they tell you they love you – it is almost too much to handle. I love this little guy with every fibre of my being, it makes all this weird and gross crap so worth while.
What would you add to this list? Are your boys also like this? If you enjoyed this post, share the love by using the easy social media icons below.